mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
