it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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