her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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