saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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