i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
