All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
