What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
