Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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