If that was your dad, he is hot
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
