Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I checked into jail on foursquare
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
