i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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