I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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