dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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