What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
