yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
