So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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