I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
