I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
