Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
