I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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