**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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