My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
