I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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