I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
