I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
