remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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