Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
