I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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