But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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