I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
