I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
