Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
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