Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
