I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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