she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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