I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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