I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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