I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
What drink are we having for lunch?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
