I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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