Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
