This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You ruined the universe
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
