i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize
