I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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