Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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