There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
