He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
