a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
