I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
