dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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