This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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