I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
